Yellow Rain for Carlisle
by SilentProtagonist000
Summary: Carlisle gets peed on. A lot. For five chapters, actually.
1. Chapter 1

**I wrote this in middle school (for reference, I'm a junior in high school as of now). I'm about 500% sure that this is a trollfic. Please, for the love of God, don't take this seriously. **

**This was also a collaborative series with my friends. We got to about fifteen chapters, but only five remain today.**

**If I get a review, I'll post the next chapter.  
**

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"Edward, this is really beautiful," Bella gushed, standing 300 feet in the air on the very top of a pine tree. "But high up. What happens if I fall?"

"I'll catch you," Edward said romantically. "Or let you fall to the ground with a bloody splat."

After a while of admiring the scenery, Bella felt a tugging in her bladder. "Edward, I have to pee," Bella pleasantly announced.

"Okay," Edward acknowledged. "What should I do, then?"

"Turn around," Bella commanded.

Edward did so, focusing his attention on a leaf. _Oh, a leaf, _he thought. _It's so prettiful. I wanna chase it. _So he did, and fell off the tree branch, plummeting down 300 feet. "I'm all right!" he called from the forest floor. "Just a bruise!" Unfortunately, Bella was too preoccupied in peeing to care.

She unzipped her pants, squatted, and started to pee, yellow liquid falling with a light _tinkle, tinkle, tinkle _on the branches below. "Ah," she sighed when she was done. "I feel better now. But how do I get down?"

At that moment, Carlisle was taking a walk before he felt a droplet splatter on his head. "Rain? But the sky is clear," he wondered.

Then, there was more yellow rain tinkering down from above (By the way, the pee is falling from 300 feet) until it hit his super-blond head in a giant watery gush.

"Wow!" Carlisle said, amazed, completely soaked in piss. "Smelly rain! Is Edward peeing from the treetops again? I told him that it was bad for my balding syndrome." Cheerfully, he walked back to the house, calling out, "Esme! I got pee on me again!"

At this point, Edward was still too lazy to get up and help Bella down, so Bella made a perilous jump from 300 feet and called down as she fell, "Edward! Catch my piss-ridden body!"

_Piss-ridden... nah. _ Edward stepped aside gingerly and let Bella fall to the ground, her blood splashing all over him. "Yum," Edward purred, licking his fingers.

Meanwhile, Carlisle was taking a bath in tomato juice. The end.

F.I.N


	2. Chapter 2

**Oh God, middle school. Can I rewind my life, please? This... this hurts. Again, pretty sure this is a trollfic, so don't take it too seriously.**

**Enjoy, I guess. If you're into this kind of thing. Again, another review and I'll post part 3**

****()()()

"Edward has nothing to do with this!" Bella screamed, shoving James out of the way.

Snickering, James replied, "Are you sure? Because he has a gambling problem, you know."

Bella stared at him, shocked. "Are you serious? Which games?"

James leaned back. "Blackjack. And Craps. But he always cheats by putting mustard on the cards to… make it smell like piss. It's such a unique smell. Have you ever smelled your own pee before, Bella?"

"Um?" Bella muttered. "You're treading on rather light ground, James. Can't we just talk about how you're going to kill me?"

"URYAH!" Edward screamed, slamming James against the wall of mirrors. "I can kill you, James. Have any last ideas?"

"Yeah, actually, two things I want fulfilled. First, Edward, I am madly in love with you and want you to kiss me."

Edward blinked once, twice. "Okay?"

James grabbed Edward and kissed him passionately. After they pulled away, Edward barfed up Gummy Bears. "I-irritable grizzly!" he spat.

"You taste very… kosher…" James admitted, licking his lips. "Are you sure you're not Jewish? Kyle?"

"Whatever," Edward hissed. "What was your second wish?"

Carlisle rushed in at that moment. "I heard a South Park pun!" he announced. "Those are bad for your glutes, you know. Gotta keep the tush tight!"

Everyone stared at him. "Ye….ah," Edward distantly agreed.

"Time to fulfill Wish 2!" James whooped happily. He unzipped his pants and took a huge piss on Carlisle.

"Wow!" Carlisle said, amazed, totally soaked in piss again. "This always keeps happening to me. Weird, James's pee smells better than Edward's. Like orange juice! I wonder if it..."

"No, Dad, I don't think it's safe for drinking," Edward finished. "Now, let's kill James and get this over with."

So they killed him and burned him and Emmett decided to take a piss on Carlisle before he went back to take a tomato juice bath again. But even then, someone peed in that bath too, so Carlisle is basically out of luck. Too bad for his glutes.


	3. Chapter 3

**Sorry for my lack of updates regarding this fail of a story. I'm currently cramming for my AP US history test tomorrow and for physics and chemistry II finals. My high school self is much more preoccupied with life than middle school me, as you can see from this story. **

**Enjoy more of my ancient follies. **

()()()

Bella suddenly got hungry, so the Cullen Clan decided to take a break and head to McDonalds.

"We don't eat," Edward said, "But I haven't had a Big Mac since 1920!"

"Edward, they didn't have Big Macs in the 20's," Rosalie corrected.

"Oh."

"Hey," Carlisle called down the hall of the Cullen residence. "Anyone seen my blue scarf? All my others are covered in pee."

"Honey, that one was also peed on," Esme yelled back. "Wear a loin cloth instead."

"Okay!" Carlisle replied back, rustling around before showing up with a long, white loincloth around his neck. "Wow! This is surprising warmer than my other scarves. And, despite the streak marks, it smells like lemon!"

"That's very nice, honey," Esme purred, gathering her belongings. "Ready, kids? Let's go get a Fillet O' Fish."

They arrived at the local McDonalds, packed full with people for the lunch hour. As they stood in line, waiting for their turn to buy food they didn't really need, a little baby boy was crying to his mother for needing to go to the bathroom, but Mom ignored him, so he promptly dropped his pants and peed on Carlisle's leg.

"Pee!" Carlisle sang happily. "Hold on a minute. I have to change." Carlisle ran away into the men's room.

The rest of the gang purchased their food and found a lovely window seat, amid flies. A huge horsefly landed on Bella's fries, so Emmett plucked the wings off the fly and flicked it across the room. "I'm such a sadist," Emmett said smugly.

Suddenly, Carlisle burst back out of the bathroom in nothing but his loincloth. "DON'T HAVE SEX!" He bellowed. "You'll get pregnant, and you'll die! Don't die, your butt will sag!"

"All right," Jasper grunted. "I have blocked bladder syndrome, so I can't wait to piss!" He pulled down his pants and peed on Carlisle.

"Wow!" Carlisle said, amazed. "I always get tinkled on. What a great surprise!"

Esme pinched her nose. "Can we never go to a public place?"

Then Carlisle took another tomato juice bath while singing "Baby Got Back" in off-key, very awkward choruses.


	4. Chapter 4

Our story begins with Edward and Emmett playing video games one lazy summer afternoon in Forks, Washington.

"OH! TOTAL OWNAGE!" Edward shouted after he beat Emmett for the third time. "Watch out for my Boots Blaster, cause it's a pwning weapon!"

"God Edward, you're so good at _Dora the Explorer: Beach Quest_!" Emmett exclaimed. "I can never get through the Swiper boss with the giant seashells he throws at you!"

"Yeah, first time I played him, I cried. He says really mean things to you. Like _Hola, Dora! Try and get through my Swiping machine… because there is no way you can save the mermaid from the evil Dilly Willy of the Gumdrop Land! _Man, I got so friggen sad for the mermaid that I started to bawl. What if she can never go back to the Soda Pop Sea?!"

"It's okay, Edward," Emmett comforted. "She can always find a new Mister Candy Prince to marry."

Bella walked in at that moment. "Hey, can I play?"

Edward gasped and protected his game. "No way! Not unless you can beat the Swiper boss!"

Bella snatched the game from him and beat the Swiper boss very easily. "See? All you have to do is use the Boots blaster on his feet to make him trip," she explained. "Jasper taught me that trick."

"Wow, Bella!" Emmett exclaimed. "You're even better than Edward at this game!" At that, Edward started to cry like a baby. "BUT I WANTED TO BEAT THE SWIPER BOSS!" He whined, falling to the ground and beating his fists and feet on the floor.

At that moment, Carlisle rushed in, as usual. "Edward! Stop throwing a tantrum!" He commanded. "It makes you sound so not manly!"

"What, and you think you are?" Emmett snorted skeptically, whilst Edward was still screaming.

"I HATE YOU, DADDY!" He roared, getting up and peeing on Carlisle before turning to the Xbox and peeing on it as well, making it sizzle and crackle as the inner circuits were destroyed.

"God, you're such an unshaven orange plu face, Edward!" Emmett cried.

Carlisle rubbed his whiskery chin while piss dripped from his hair. "I'm unshaven, but not an orange plu, but I do have a face!" He intelligently proclaimed.

"Yay?" Bella mewled.

Emmett and Edward then went out and bought a new Xbox. Also, Carlisle took a tomato juice bath and found a hobo swimming in it. The hobo was eating a sandwich. Carlisle tried to steal the hobo's sandwich, so the hobo cried. Meanie.

F.I.N

Extra: Carlisle Lessons in Life

Be nice to hoboes, kids! They don't have homes and wander the streets like bums. If you're mean to hoboes, they'll sic the Mafia on you. Then the Mafia will kill you! Don't get killed! It's bad for your abs.


	5. Chapter 5

**The references made in this chapter drive me to tears.**

**No more updates after this. I have no more chapters to post. **

()()()

(FIVE! IT'S A MILESTONE)

Bellaface, she's got a Bella's face, she's got the body of a Bella and the face of a Bella, and she flies through the air cause she's got a Bella face, Bellaface!

One day, Bellaface was flying through the kitchen. "I'm hungry," she exclaimed. However, she forgot that she was at the Cullen's house. They're vampires so they don't eat anything. "God, I wish I knew people that actually ate food," she lamented, bored.

Suddenly, Edward came out from the wild blue yonder and hugged Bellaface. "Mewowowow!" He screamed, clawing Bellaface's face.

"Ow, Edward, you silly vampire, I'm going to tie you to a chair and ravish you!" Bella squealed.

Carlisle flew in from above. "Bellaface, bondage is sick! It reminds me of the hunt!" Suddenly, Carlisle passed out. Hitler showed up and started to scream in German before peeing on Carlisle and departing.

"Wow, this day is full of weird things," Bellaface mused.

Rosalie showed up, hiding in a box. "Nyeh," she mumbled before climbing out. "I haven't peed on Carlisle yet." So she pulled down her pants, squatted over Carlisle's face and peed yellow body juice before leaving as well.

"Hm," Bellaface meowed.

The window in the living room crashed and Stauffenberg came into the kitchen. "What am I doing in this story?" He asked Bellaface, whose head was inflated dramatically and her body tiny and dangling. She was floating, of course.

"That's what I'd like to know," Bellaface said.

Then the real Catface appeared. "Hey, what are you doing?" He spat in his French accent. "Are you ripping off my Youtube video?"

"What's a Youtube?" Asked the hopelessly outdated Stauffenberg.

"Just for that, I'm going to pee on Carlisle," Catface insulted. He turned and peed on Stauffenberg.

"Ew!" Staffy yelled, trying to stop the flow with his stump of a right hand. "I'm not Carlisle!"

"The real one is passed out on the floor- OHMIMGOD IT'S THE HOBO FROM THE LAST INSTALLMENT!" Bellaface screamed, flying for cover, but her big, levitating head was giving her away.

Carlisle woke up and tried to head-butt the hobo. But the hobo was smarter. He made Carlisle throw up his sandwich and pissed on Stauffenberg before leaving.

"Hey! I only got pissed on twice today!" Carlisle shouted, triumphantly shoving a fist in the air.

"Stan and Kyle are giving each other blowjobs in the corner," Staffy observed.

Thus, Carlisle and Stauffenberg had to take a tomato juice bath together. They hated it. But at least the hobo wasn't here this time. Even though a Nazi and a vampire look weird together.

F.I.N

Extra: Carlisle Lessons in Life

Don't be racist, kids! Look where being racist got Hitler! He killed himself! And remember, don't commit suicide! If you do, you'll get fat.


End file.
